Wow. It has not been about 2 weeks since my last post, has it? I guess so. Time sure flies, though. Not even when you're having fun. But, that's life & not everything is always exciting.
So, I am basically writing this blog out of sadness right now. Today was my last full day of summer & tomorrow I start back-up at FHS as a Sophomore. And I have mixed feelings about everything. At one point, I'm sad to see summer leave because I know it's going to be a while until we see it again. The freedom was nice while it lasted along with the warm weather. But, then again, the summer has been the most un-fun one I've had yet. Sure, Cape Cod was fun along with my sister's cookout and even going to my other sister's house for a few days. But, the knee surgery with my mom has limited me from doing a lot of normal summer things. I've already ranted about this, so I won't use anymore detail on the subject. But, seasons come & go; that's life. You just have to learn to live it & deal with it.
Mixed emotions about school also are approaching me right now. The idea that my classes this year shouldn't be so bad; English, US history, Geometry, Astronomy/Oceanography, Orchestra, & more. Those seem to grab my attention more than last year's classes, so I pray to god this won't be a horrible graded year. But, friends that weren't in my classes last year whom I hoped would be this year, aren't. Along with close friends who were in classes last year & this year aren't even close to me. Freshman coming in & realizing what it's like to not be the 'little kids' of the school anymore. Being a sophomore this year I can tell that not every class is in one wing, but far more spread out. Should be fun carrying loads of books everywhere. Oh! The stressors of school, welcome back...
But, this morning has been an interesting one. Before school starts back up or something of importance is about to happen, no matter how tired I am, sleep never occurs. I lie awake thinking until I finally fall asleep, only to wake up soon enough. So, I wanted to try an all-nighter. Boy, did I get one. Spent my time online fixing things, to watching 'Phantom of the Opera'. I watched the sunrise & even made coffee, pen & paper in hand, as I sat down outside in the cold air to write some of the best lyrics I've written in a while. I am proud of them, although I'll never share them with anyone, hahaha. I seemed all energized & eager to get ahead with different things, but the fatigueness hit like a sack of bricks. I slept off & on a total of 3 hours with my mom's physical therapist & visiting nurse checking her out in total now. We're fully free from the VA! And no, that does not mean Virginians...
Thankfully, they're gone. I hated them a lot. Except, Nancy, hahaha.
But, what I realized about the days in general is that time flies quickly throughout the night. Literally, it felt like I had just watched 'Phantom of the Opera' ( at 4 AM) when I was sitting out on the deck watching the sun slowly rising (at 7 PM). Days pass quickly & nights go even faster. I feel like that's what I learned most this summer. Time really does go by in a flash & all your actions you can't take back no matter how much you may or may not want to.
Now, if only this school year could fly...Hahaha.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
When I Go Out I Want to Go Out On a Chariot of Fire.
This past week has been by far a great one. If only every week could be like this... But, I know it can't always be the like that. In this past week I have hung out with my sister, gotten a break from reality several times, been face to face with a bad habit of mine, taken steps to getting help, felt loved like any other time in my life, went to a carnival a few times for the first time in a year or so, became fond of a certain band, seen friends I miss terribly, met new friends, & so much more.
But, today & Thursday were great. Carnivals are a mixture of fun & agony. When you find that one ride that soothes you, makes you feel good, & a ride you promise you'll continue going on while you're at the carnival; it's fun. Agony in a sense that your friends beg you to try one ride they like which happens to be one you've promised yourself you'll never go on. Yet, it's fun too. But, what I never got to see in such a long time is the true beauty that a carnival is all lit up at night or when the sun begins to set. Even if it's in your own town, there's nothing more gorgeous than that. What's eerier is seeing a whole carnival shut down. Lights after lights closing, rides stopping, people leaving. & forgive me if it sounds weird, but I've never experienced that. It's something nice if you're not a big carnival-go-er like me.
This week sure has had it's boring & complete tough moments, but maybe next week will be like that too. You never know... I can't foresee what I'll be like weeks from now. I want to, but I can't.
You take things day by day. Step by step. I'm realizing that & a certain someone is teaching it to me. I thank god for him or my life wouldn't be what it's beginning to form into. He's given me the strength to get better. Friends like that you don't get often & when you do, you don't want to let them go. I feel loved currently. (;
But, today & Thursday were great. Carnivals are a mixture of fun & agony. When you find that one ride that soothes you, makes you feel good, & a ride you promise you'll continue going on while you're at the carnival; it's fun. Agony in a sense that your friends beg you to try one ride they like which happens to be one you've promised yourself you'll never go on. Yet, it's fun too. But, what I never got to see in such a long time is the true beauty that a carnival is all lit up at night or when the sun begins to set. Even if it's in your own town, there's nothing more gorgeous than that. What's eerier is seeing a whole carnival shut down. Lights after lights closing, rides stopping, people leaving. & forgive me if it sounds weird, but I've never experienced that. It's something nice if you're not a big carnival-go-er like me.
This week sure has had it's boring & complete tough moments, but maybe next week will be like that too. You never know... I can't foresee what I'll be like weeks from now. I want to, but I can't.
You take things day by day. Step by step. I'm realizing that & a certain someone is teaching it to me. I thank god for him or my life wouldn't be what it's beginning to form into. He's given me the strength to get better. Friends like that you don't get often & when you do, you don't want to let them go. I feel loved currently. (;
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
...To Be Loved.
Today, I'm not complaining at all! I won't lie, I've had one of the best days in a long time. Except for a few factors, it's been very enjoyable.
I woke up at 9:00 AM, since my dad is off at work for the first time since my mom's operation. Although, I wasn't a fan of getting up that soon, when I got the coffee going I was more awake & energized for the day. I had to laugh though, because the second I walked down the stairs, still half-asleep, my mom began to order me around to do different things. But, I didn't mind so much.
I got ready & before I knew it my sister came through the door. My mom told me a few days ago that not my oldest sister, but my older sister (if that makes sense) was coming to stop by after one of her appointments out here since she lives an hour away. This sister lived with me & recently moved out almost a year ago. (I got her room & re-did it. I love my room.) So, as we grew up, since she was 13 years older than me, we never connected. We barely hung out, argued, & more. So, ever since she's moved out, we've gotten closer & can actually talk now. Which to me, is the best feeling in the world.
Once my sister came in, her & my mom chatted up a lot. The decision was to go to Panera Bread & grab lunch was created. My sister invited me along as my mom sat in the house to wait for us. We all had some sort of soup & half a sandwich. It was really good & the chance for me to get out of the house was the perfect solution.
Next, my mom's more meaner physical therapist; Jackie, called to say that she wasn't arriving at 2 PM, but 10 minutes from then. But, to understand, this was like 12:00 in the morning still. The idea of Jackie coming that soon, wasn't making for anyone to be happy about it, but what can you do? But, when Jackie arrived she seemed nicer than normal. Hmmmm, I still wonder what the catch was to that.
As Jackie & mom prepared for exercises upstairs, my sister invited me yet again to head to take a trip with her to the Wrentham Outlet Mall nearby my house. We walked in the blazing sun for hours heading into store after store which I liked. I randomly noticed I had a 2o dollar bill with me. So, m sister offered I head into none-other-than a Hot Topic, my favorite store. I had to choose between a CD or Avenged Sevenfold shirt. In the end, as always, I chose the shirt, hahaha.
My sister treated me to ice cream & we walked into stores I liked, hated, & found I didn't mind being in at all. I didn't want to leave when it was time to go home, but in the humidity home was the best place to be. This long trip lasted from 12:30-ish until we arrived home at 4:oo pm. My sister makes fun of my music choices on occasion, but she's no better than me. Our tastes are pretty similar. Some of her favorites include Papa Roach, Lacuna Coil, Buckcherry, Motley Crue, Nickelback, ACDC, & more. Although, I'm just a Roach & Coil fan, she didn't mind. It was nice of her to let me borrow the Papa Roach CD, 'The Paramour Sessions' to put on my iPod. She stayed & began to get into the movie, 'What Happens in Vegas' with me & my mom. But, soon she left, & I was back to reality. Break-over. I enjoyed the break. though. My mom even thought I deserved it after all the work I've done around here & there.
The rest of the night was more....difficult. I had to deal with the usual, which isn't always good. I'm not going into detail, but I will say the bad went right away when someone near & dear to my heart stepped in to make me feel better. He kicked some sense into me & for that I am forever grateful & in love with him. (:
Hhhhhm. What else exciting? Nothing much. That was pretty much it. I guess, I felt the need to blog this day because it was different & nice for a change. Too bad everyday can't be like this...
Oooooh well. Be thankful what you have, right? & right now I've realized I have a lot of people I love nearby me in my life that I can count on. What can be better?
I woke up at 9:00 AM, since my dad is off at work for the first time since my mom's operation. Although, I wasn't a fan of getting up that soon, when I got the coffee going I was more awake & energized for the day. I had to laugh though, because the second I walked down the stairs, still half-asleep, my mom began to order me around to do different things. But, I didn't mind so much.
I got ready & before I knew it my sister came through the door. My mom told me a few days ago that not my oldest sister, but my older sister (if that makes sense) was coming to stop by after one of her appointments out here since she lives an hour away. This sister lived with me & recently moved out almost a year ago. (I got her room & re-did it. I love my room.) So, as we grew up, since she was 13 years older than me, we never connected. We barely hung out, argued, & more. So, ever since she's moved out, we've gotten closer & can actually talk now. Which to me, is the best feeling in the world.
Once my sister came in, her & my mom chatted up a lot. The decision was to go to Panera Bread & grab lunch was created. My sister invited me along as my mom sat in the house to wait for us. We all had some sort of soup & half a sandwich. It was really good & the chance for me to get out of the house was the perfect solution.
Next, my mom's more meaner physical therapist; Jackie, called to say that she wasn't arriving at 2 PM, but 10 minutes from then. But, to understand, this was like 12:00 in the morning still. The idea of Jackie coming that soon, wasn't making for anyone to be happy about it, but what can you do? But, when Jackie arrived she seemed nicer than normal. Hmmmm, I still wonder what the catch was to that.
As Jackie & mom prepared for exercises upstairs, my sister invited me yet again to head to take a trip with her to the Wrentham Outlet Mall nearby my house. We walked in the blazing sun for hours heading into store after store which I liked. I randomly noticed I had a 2o dollar bill with me. So, m sister offered I head into none-other-than a Hot Topic, my favorite store. I had to choose between a CD or Avenged Sevenfold shirt. In the end, as always, I chose the shirt, hahaha.
My sister treated me to ice cream & we walked into stores I liked, hated, & found I didn't mind being in at all. I didn't want to leave when it was time to go home, but in the humidity home was the best place to be. This long trip lasted from 12:30-ish until we arrived home at 4:oo pm. My sister makes fun of my music choices on occasion, but she's no better than me. Our tastes are pretty similar. Some of her favorites include Papa Roach, Lacuna Coil, Buckcherry, Motley Crue, Nickelback, ACDC, & more. Although, I'm just a Roach & Coil fan, she didn't mind. It was nice of her to let me borrow the Papa Roach CD, 'The Paramour Sessions' to put on my iPod. She stayed & began to get into the movie, 'What Happens in Vegas' with me & my mom. But, soon she left, & I was back to reality. Break-over. I enjoyed the break. though. My mom even thought I deserved it after all the work I've done around here & there.
The rest of the night was more....difficult. I had to deal with the usual, which isn't always good. I'm not going into detail, but I will say the bad went right away when someone near & dear to my heart stepped in to make me feel better. He kicked some sense into me & for that I am forever grateful & in love with him. (:
Hhhhhm. What else exciting? Nothing much. That was pretty much it. I guess, I felt the need to blog this day because it was different & nice for a change. Too bad everyday can't be like this...
Oooooh well. Be thankful what you have, right? & right now I've realized I have a lot of people I love nearby me in my life that I can count on. What can be better?
Saturday, August 8, 2009
These Are the Fast Times.
Nothing extremely new has happened within these few days. I don't expect anything exciting to happen either. I'm tremendously boring & negative at times from which I apologize. Many stressors are on me these days, but I'll complain of them later.
Right now, I'll talk about something interesting that did sort of happen today. Not really interesting more...sad.
My dad decided to let me out of the house & run some errands with him later tonight. First, we grabbed some medicine for my mom & then later on when it was dark, we grabbed dinner & an assortment of different nick-knacks.
As we drove, I got this feeling. Last summer feeling. I didn't realize how magical my Freshman year was & how truly the days leading up to it were important in my life memory-wise.
I remember last summer I begged my parents to buy me the new Academy Is... CD, 'Fast Times At Barrington High'. I was addicted to it. Listening to it at a constant. Even the night before my first day of school began, I listened to it coming home from my sister's house BBQ. Up until even way after school started I still listened to this CD constantly. I used to joke that it was my "school CD". So, when we drove all the memories came back. The summer; The fun. I listened to the songs & fell in love all over again.
So, I realized that my Freshman year in High School so far was the most amazing year of my life. Honestly it was. A new life, new friends, new teachers, new privileges, new faces, old faces. Everything different in the best way. Of course, if you asked me this a few months before we let out for the summer I would've been like, "Are you kidding me?! I hated this year!" But, I really didn't. I met new friends who I can laugh with, I learned my way around a place I thought was impossible to understand, I met people I was acquainted with in kindergarten. Most of all, I learned & saw a place where I knew the significant time in my life would take place. Someone copy, paste, & save these words I'm about to type for the record, but I think I'm actually excited for school this year. I miss everyone & the classes I'm taking this year are ones that I will enjoy learning about. I want to see what this year will bring & what will happen in my on-going memories here. & what would a year without drama bring? Can only expect tons of that, I suppose...
But, this year I want to fall in love. None of this, "Oh, I like you...blahblahblah." No lies, no cheating, no two-second romances. Something I'm happy in, something that makes a difference in my life. Something I can experience & say I've done. Long-lasting for sure.
I don't really know what my Sophomore year can bring. I know, this is something I should be writing a week or day before school starts back up again, but right now I feel inspired & moved.
& since right now nothing in my life is exciting or interesting enough to think about, falling back on memories is never a bad thing, I guess. It replaces the thoughts on what I'm doing in my life right now. It over-shadows the unhappiness I'm feeling right now.
& suddenly, I'm 14 years old again, frantic about my first year in high school, afraid I'll get lost, nervous what a year in a new school will bring, about how I would react to the "big times", & yet just enjoying the summer days where I can go & do whatever I please...
Right now, I'll talk about something interesting that did sort of happen today. Not really interesting more...sad.
My dad decided to let me out of the house & run some errands with him later tonight. First, we grabbed some medicine for my mom & then later on when it was dark, we grabbed dinner & an assortment of different nick-knacks.
As we drove, I got this feeling. Last summer feeling. I didn't realize how magical my Freshman year was & how truly the days leading up to it were important in my life memory-wise.
I remember last summer I begged my parents to buy me the new Academy Is... CD, 'Fast Times At Barrington High'. I was addicted to it. Listening to it at a constant. Even the night before my first day of school began, I listened to it coming home from my sister's house BBQ. Up until even way after school started I still listened to this CD constantly. I used to joke that it was my "school CD". So, when we drove all the memories came back. The summer; The fun. I listened to the songs & fell in love all over again.
So, I realized that my Freshman year in High School so far was the most amazing year of my life. Honestly it was. A new life, new friends, new teachers, new privileges, new faces, old faces. Everything different in the best way. Of course, if you asked me this a few months before we let out for the summer I would've been like, "Are you kidding me?! I hated this year!" But, I really didn't. I met new friends who I can laugh with, I learned my way around a place I thought was impossible to understand, I met people I was acquainted with in kindergarten. Most of all, I learned & saw a place where I knew the significant time in my life would take place. Someone copy, paste, & save these words I'm about to type for the record, but I think I'm actually excited for school this year. I miss everyone & the classes I'm taking this year are ones that I will enjoy learning about. I want to see what this year will bring & what will happen in my on-going memories here. & what would a year without drama bring? Can only expect tons of that, I suppose...
But, this year I want to fall in love. None of this, "Oh, I like you...blahblahblah." No lies, no cheating, no two-second romances. Something I'm happy in, something that makes a difference in my life. Something I can experience & say I've done. Long-lasting for sure.
I don't really know what my Sophomore year can bring. I know, this is something I should be writing a week or day before school starts back up again, but right now I feel inspired & moved.
& since right now nothing in my life is exciting or interesting enough to think about, falling back on memories is never a bad thing, I guess. It replaces the thoughts on what I'm doing in my life right now. It over-shadows the unhappiness I'm feeling right now.
& suddenly, I'm 14 years old again, frantic about my first year in high school, afraid I'll get lost, nervous what a year in a new school will bring, about how I would react to the "big times", & yet just enjoying the summer days where I can go & do whatever I please...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Today's Lesson.
Well, here I am. Back again after not blogging in god-knows how many days. Weeks.
But, if you saw my life now, you'd understand why.
I'm happy to say that last Wednesday-a week ago- my Mom got her much needed knee replacement surgery & all went well. That day was BRUTAL, though. The night before I only slept about a total of 3 hours. The tension of what was to come was upon me & I couldn't bring myself to sleep. So, you can imagine how hard the next day was. We got up at 6 AM & brought my mom to Newton Wellsley Hospital. She got dressed & ready for surgery. We met doctors & gave her a big kiss goodbye. It was tough though because I thought I knew what was ahead of me, but it was hard to see someone you love go in for something that major. We waited constantly throughout the day. I had a huge migraine from the tension & lack of sleep. But, when we did see my Mom she was tired & out of it. Lots of pain was with her too. I felt bad.
The whole few weeks my mom planned to have this surgery, I'll admit, I was angry. I didn't want to help her because I was angry that my freedom would be at a loss. She always said, "You'll help me, right?" Of course I agreed, not knowing what I was getting myself into. But, it's instinct when you're faced with helping. You don't even think, "Oh, I have to help her, ugh." You just know that you have to help. You do anything to see her out of the pain. So, being gentle & helping is a given.
My dad & I spent a total of 4 nights at the house together, dealing with one another alone. It was weird because normally my Mom is always there no matter what. Even when we had to say goodnights, it was weird her not being there. But, this past Sunday she came home after being there for a while. It was planned she'd come home Saturday, but she needed more physical therapy time.
Sunday was a day of figuring out what worked & didn't. How she could sleep, how she could eat without nausea, how she could relax, when she could take her medicine, & everything in between. The night wasn't so bad. But, now that it's Wednesday I think we are figuring out some sort of routine. These past few days therapist after therapist are coming here & taking care of her. Nurse after nurse. I find ways to stay in my room so I don't have to meet many faces. I like to think of it as my 'time-off'.
But, really, the reason I wrote this blog was not to entertain myself or to tell you how everything is. Partially it is that, but mostly it's to teach you something. I know schools out, but believe me, you'll need to hear this lesson:
I don't think people realize how hard it is taking care of someone else. It's a full-time job. Of course my dad helps, but there's only so much he can do...
When you're faced with someone you love, it's normal and instinctual to want to go in & help with all you've got. I don't mind helping my Mom. Granted, there have been recent moments when I think, "Oh, c'mon! Leave me alone!" But, it's normal. I know she's in pain & wants to get better. She's always helped me when I'm not at my best. It's me re-paying for it all. Not to mention the constant load of chores I'm doing. If I thought I had it rough before, I must be a slave now. I'm doign everything, but luckily, getting paid for it daily.
But, the one thing I really am sure people don't get is the freedom. Sure, I didn't get it at first either. I knew, "Oh, yeah. I won't have much freedom. Boo-hoo, it's gonna stink."
I did lose my freedom, indefinitely. Not only did I lose that, but I lost what my life's meaning is. I wake-up early every morning, thinking, "Today is another busy day, but boring all at once. I'll have to help, but also spend time in my room doing nothing."
I look to hope that maybe next week will be exciting, but where can I go? My dad's back at work, the brunt of the helping is on me allllll day. The week after that, same. After that? Same, same.
& before you know it, I'll be back in school, dreading every second of my life.
The need & constant want to be out of the house is stronger than any of those days in the beginning of summer when it was rainy & I was bored. Those days can't compare to what I'm going through now. If I don't leave my house soon, I'll sink into a deep depression. Yeah. Sure. You think I'm being over dramatic? Ha. I wish. Just wait until you get here...you'll see what it's like & what you're constantly worried about.
This is summer. I want to explore everything. I'm getting older. I want to discover a world outside of here. But, that's not happening at the moment. I wish I drove. I could take breaks here & there.
Today, I was cleaning the guestroom when I heard music loudly playing outside. My neighbor was lounging in her pool & later on catching some sun in the grass. Not a care in the world. She can drive. She is a year older than me. Oh, if life could always be that way! I wish...
I'm sure she hasn't worked a day in her life. She hasn't experienced true pain. She hasn't seen the horror in this world. She doesn't know the pain I'm having inside these walls. & while I was angry at her, I was finding myself jealous. I'd love to trade places. To just sit all day & just enjoy what summer is bringing. To drive on vacation somewhere & just relax out side of all this.
But, it's not happening here.
I know this might sound weird & rude of my complaining of my poor Mom who is striving to get better. It's not her fault. I'd never blame her. I don't mind helping, it's just everything I'm giving up is harder than anything I've ever done. I'll always help my mom. I'll never yell at her or complain to her. Because I know it's 10 times worse on her than me.
I say this because I feel like if ANYONE reads my blog, then they can get what's going on in my life. My struggle. If you're enjoying your summer, do it. Enjoy every second of it & don't waste a minute of all the wonders you'll see.
For me, this won't last forever. I did have some nice early summer vacations & memories. This fall & October I'll have an amazing experience that I have only dreamed of. So, I won't be missing out for long, but I'll be in school which face it....sucks.
Right now I'm about to go hang with a friend & sleep-over her place. I think I deserve it for all the work I've fulfilled. Anyways, my last time of hanging for a while since my dad is off of work for the week & will be back on next.
I'm just trying to find little things to make me happy right now. So, hopefully, things'll get better. Who knows. Life is so unpredictable it's not even funny....
There. I've successfully vented. I feel better. Phew!
But, if you saw my life now, you'd understand why.
I'm happy to say that last Wednesday-a week ago- my Mom got her much needed knee replacement surgery & all went well. That day was BRUTAL, though. The night before I only slept about a total of 3 hours. The tension of what was to come was upon me & I couldn't bring myself to sleep. So, you can imagine how hard the next day was. We got up at 6 AM & brought my mom to Newton Wellsley Hospital. She got dressed & ready for surgery. We met doctors & gave her a big kiss goodbye. It was tough though because I thought I knew what was ahead of me, but it was hard to see someone you love go in for something that major. We waited constantly throughout the day. I had a huge migraine from the tension & lack of sleep. But, when we did see my Mom she was tired & out of it. Lots of pain was with her too. I felt bad.
The whole few weeks my mom planned to have this surgery, I'll admit, I was angry. I didn't want to help her because I was angry that my freedom would be at a loss. She always said, "You'll help me, right?" Of course I agreed, not knowing what I was getting myself into. But, it's instinct when you're faced with helping. You don't even think, "Oh, I have to help her, ugh." You just know that you have to help. You do anything to see her out of the pain. So, being gentle & helping is a given.
My dad & I spent a total of 4 nights at the house together, dealing with one another alone. It was weird because normally my Mom is always there no matter what. Even when we had to say goodnights, it was weird her not being there. But, this past Sunday she came home after being there for a while. It was planned she'd come home Saturday, but she needed more physical therapy time.
Sunday was a day of figuring out what worked & didn't. How she could sleep, how she could eat without nausea, how she could relax, when she could take her medicine, & everything in between. The night wasn't so bad. But, now that it's Wednesday I think we are figuring out some sort of routine. These past few days therapist after therapist are coming here & taking care of her. Nurse after nurse. I find ways to stay in my room so I don't have to meet many faces. I like to think of it as my 'time-off'.
But, really, the reason I wrote this blog was not to entertain myself or to tell you how everything is. Partially it is that, but mostly it's to teach you something. I know schools out, but believe me, you'll need to hear this lesson:
I don't think people realize how hard it is taking care of someone else. It's a full-time job. Of course my dad helps, but there's only so much he can do...
When you're faced with someone you love, it's normal and instinctual to want to go in & help with all you've got. I don't mind helping my Mom. Granted, there have been recent moments when I think, "Oh, c'mon! Leave me alone!" But, it's normal. I know she's in pain & wants to get better. She's always helped me when I'm not at my best. It's me re-paying for it all. Not to mention the constant load of chores I'm doing. If I thought I had it rough before, I must be a slave now. I'm doign everything, but luckily, getting paid for it daily.
But, the one thing I really am sure people don't get is the freedom. Sure, I didn't get it at first either. I knew, "Oh, yeah. I won't have much freedom. Boo-hoo, it's gonna stink."
I did lose my freedom, indefinitely. Not only did I lose that, but I lost what my life's meaning is. I wake-up early every morning, thinking, "Today is another busy day, but boring all at once. I'll have to help, but also spend time in my room doing nothing."
I look to hope that maybe next week will be exciting, but where can I go? My dad's back at work, the brunt of the helping is on me allllll day. The week after that, same. After that? Same, same.
& before you know it, I'll be back in school, dreading every second of my life.
The need & constant want to be out of the house is stronger than any of those days in the beginning of summer when it was rainy & I was bored. Those days can't compare to what I'm going through now. If I don't leave my house soon, I'll sink into a deep depression. Yeah. Sure. You think I'm being over dramatic? Ha. I wish. Just wait until you get here...you'll see what it's like & what you're constantly worried about.
This is summer. I want to explore everything. I'm getting older. I want to discover a world outside of here. But, that's not happening at the moment. I wish I drove. I could take breaks here & there.
Today, I was cleaning the guestroom when I heard music loudly playing outside. My neighbor was lounging in her pool & later on catching some sun in the grass. Not a care in the world. She can drive. She is a year older than me. Oh, if life could always be that way! I wish...
I'm sure she hasn't worked a day in her life. She hasn't experienced true pain. She hasn't seen the horror in this world. She doesn't know the pain I'm having inside these walls. & while I was angry at her, I was finding myself jealous. I'd love to trade places. To just sit all day & just enjoy what summer is bringing. To drive on vacation somewhere & just relax out side of all this.
But, it's not happening here.
I know this might sound weird & rude of my complaining of my poor Mom who is striving to get better. It's not her fault. I'd never blame her. I don't mind helping, it's just everything I'm giving up is harder than anything I've ever done. I'll always help my mom. I'll never yell at her or complain to her. Because I know it's 10 times worse on her than me.
I say this because I feel like if ANYONE reads my blog, then they can get what's going on in my life. My struggle. If you're enjoying your summer, do it. Enjoy every second of it & don't waste a minute of all the wonders you'll see.
For me, this won't last forever. I did have some nice early summer vacations & memories. This fall & October I'll have an amazing experience that I have only dreamed of. So, I won't be missing out for long, but I'll be in school which face it....sucks.
Right now I'm about to go hang with a friend & sleep-over her place. I think I deserve it for all the work I've fulfilled. Anyways, my last time of hanging for a while since my dad is off of work for the week & will be back on next.
I'm just trying to find little things to make me happy right now. So, hopefully, things'll get better. Who knows. Life is so unpredictable it's not even funny....
There. I've successfully vented. I feel better. Phew!
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