Today's Lesson.

Well, here I am. Back again after not blogging in god-knows how many days. Weeks.
But, if you saw my life now, you'd understand why.
I'm happy to say that last Wednesday-a week ago- my Mom got her much needed knee replacement surgery & all went well. That day was BRUTAL, though. The night before I only slept about a total of 3 hours. The tension of what was to come was upon me & I couldn't bring myself to sleep. So, you can imagine how hard the next day was. We got up at 6 AM & brought my mom to Newton Wellsley Hospital. She got dressed & ready for surgery. We met doctors & gave her a big kiss goodbye. It was tough though because I thought I knew what was ahead of me, but it was hard to see someone you love go in for something that major. We waited constantly throughout the day. I had a huge migraine from the tension & lack of sleep. But, when we did see my Mom she was tired & out of it. Lots of pain was with her too. I felt bad.
The whole few weeks my mom planned to have this surgery, I'll admit, I was angry. I didn't want to help her because I was angry that my freedom would be at a loss. She always said, "You'll help me, right?" Of course I agreed, not knowing what I was getting myself into. But, it's instinct when you're faced with helping. You don't even think, "Oh, I have to help her, ugh." You just know that you have to help. You do anything to see her out of the pain. So, being gentle & helping is a given.
My dad & I spent a total of 4 nights at the house together, dealing with one another alone. It was weird because normally my Mom is always there no matter what. Even when we had to say goodnights, it was weird her not being there. But, this past Sunday she came home after being there for a while. It was planned she'd come home Saturday, but she needed more physical therapy time.
Sunday was a day of figuring out what worked & didn't. How she could sleep, how she could eat without nausea, how she could relax, when she could take her medicine, & everything in between. The night wasn't so bad. But, now that it's Wednesday I think we are figuring out some sort of routine. These past few days therapist after therapist are coming here & taking care of her. Nurse after nurse. I find ways to stay in my room so I don't have to meet many faces. I like to think of it as my 'time-off'.
But, really, the reason I wrote this blog was not to entertain myself or to tell you how everything is. Partially it is that, but mostly it's to teach you something. I know schools out, but believe me, you'll need to hear this lesson:
I don't think people realize how hard it is taking care of someone else. It's a full-time job. Of course my dad helps, but there's only so much he can do...
When you're faced with someone you love, it's normal and instinctual to want to go in & help with all you've got. I don't mind helping my Mom. Granted, there have been recent moments when I think, "Oh, c'mon! Leave me alone!" But, it's normal. I know she's in pain & wants to get better. She's always helped me when I'm not at my best. It's me re-paying for it all. Not to mention the constant load of chores I'm doing. If I thought I had it rough before, I must be a slave now. I'm doign everything, but luckily, getting paid for it daily.
But, the one thing I really am sure people don't get is the freedom. Sure, I didn't get it at first either. I knew, "Oh, yeah. I won't have much freedom. Boo-hoo, it's gonna stink."
I did lose my freedom, indefinitely. Not only did I lose that, but I lost what my life's meaning is. I wake-up early every morning, thinking, "Today is another busy day, but boring all at once. I'll have to help, but also spend time in my room doing nothing."
I look to hope that maybe next week will be exciting, but where can I go? My dad's back at work, the brunt of the helping is on me allllll day. The week after that, same. After that? Same, same.
& before you know it, I'll be back in school, dreading every second of my life.
The need & constant want to be out of the house is stronger than any of those days in the beginning of summer when it was rainy & I was bored. Those days can't compare to what I'm going through now. If I don't leave my house soon, I'll sink into a deep depression. Yeah. Sure. You think I'm being over dramatic? Ha. I wish. Just wait until you get here...you'll see what it's like & what you're constantly worried about.
This is summer. I want to explore everything. I'm getting older. I want to discover a world outside of here. But, that's not happening at the moment. I wish I drove. I could take breaks here & there.
Today, I was cleaning the guestroom when I heard music loudly playing outside. My neighbor was lounging in her pool & later on catching some sun in the grass. Not a care in the world. She can drive. She is a year older than me. Oh, if life could always be that way! I wish...
I'm sure she hasn't worked a day in her life. She hasn't experienced true pain. She hasn't seen the horror in this world. She doesn't know the pain I'm having inside these walls. & while I was angry at her, I was finding myself jealous. I'd love to trade places. To just sit all day & just enjoy what summer is bringing. To drive on vacation somewhere & just relax out side of all this.
But, it's not happening here.
I know this might sound weird & rude of my complaining of my poor Mom who is striving to get better. It's not her fault. I'd never blame her. I don't mind helping, it's just everything I'm giving up is harder than anything I've ever done. I'll always help my mom. I'll never yell at her or complain to her. Because I know it's 10 times worse on her than me.
I say this because I feel like if ANYONE reads my blog, then they can get what's going on in my life. My struggle. If you're enjoying your summer, do it. Enjoy every second of it & don't waste a minute of all the wonders you'll see.
For me, this won't last forever. I did have some nice early summer vacations & memories. This fall & October I'll have an amazing experience that I have only dreamed of. So, I won't be missing out for long, but I'll be in school which face it....sucks.
Right now I'm about to go hang with a friend & sleep-over her place. I think I deserve it for all the work I've fulfilled. Anyways, my last time of hanging for a while since my dad is off of work for the week & will be back on next.
I'm just trying to find little things to make me happy right now. So, hopefully, things'll get better. Who knows. Life is so unpredictable it's not even funny....

There. I've successfully vented. I feel better. Phew!